I've been reluctant to write about my anxiety through fear of it looking like I'm looking for attention or ending up being treated differently but after one friday night I think it's time. I think I was always an attention loving child, when I was 10, my brother bought me a top from Tammy that read 'I'm not attention seeker attention finds me' which says it all really but only from my family and friends. Last October, I recognised there was something a little strange about my thought process, I was scared of getting on the bus, walking downstairs - in case I fell over, meeting new people, going out with new friends. I constantly thought people were judging me and thought I was wearing the wrong thing or 'too dressed up for uni'. I started getting panic attacks and I drank was too much to get over this wall that social anxiety made. So, I told someone, I got help which was daunting and every week I drove home from my group 'therapy' sessions in tears because I was facing something hard and realising I was someone I didn't actually want to be. Then I decided to be that person. I signed up for a course in photoshop and one in dress making. I didn't force myself to do it, I think that can back fire, I wanted to do it. I wanted to be happy and confident and so far, I think I'm doing pretty well. I woke up and told myself I could be whoever I wanted and that maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I thought and brought myself back down to earth. And finally, I'm almost there. I still trip myself up sometimes and have times when I think I'm not okay but I am.
The world can be a cruel place, if you let it. There's a high level of sass in my personality; I don't let people piss me off because I know how I want to be treated. A massive part of my anxiety is being scared of people and they're reactions, particularly men (sorry boys). Don't ask why, I don't know but I just remember there being a pivotal point when I wasn't going to let boys touch my bum in a club and I didn't. I like to think I have this look that I shoot at them and they know they've gone too far.
Which brings me to last friday night, me and one of my best friends decided that if no one was going to go make the first move to the dance floor then we would. I didn't feel like people were watching but I knew they were and I didn't care and it wasn't the alcohol, I actually didn't care. That's what inspired me to write this, I'm amazed at how far I've come (excuse the cliche), I wasted so much of my time thinking 'it was just me' but its not, you can do and be anything you want. What other people think doesn't ever matter if you're doing something that you're happy doing. Social Anxiety was part of me growing up and deciding on the kind of person I want to become, it's not a bad thing or an evil thing, it's a part of me and I wanted to do this to show anyone who feels the same (one more cliche) that if I can do it anyone can.
